broken hearted

It is with a heavy heart I write these words.

I will not be returning as an RA next fall.

Allow me to explain. Since classes are starting a week earlier in the fall, RA training will also begin earlier than this year, on August 5th.  The decision RPS has made regarding training stands thus: if you cannot move in to begin training on August 5th, you will not be employed by RPS. This stands true both for new and returning RAs as well as the graduate staff. I will be marching with the Troopers Drum and Bugle Corps until August 12th.

In the immortal words of Gregory House, MD: "It's not easy. But it is simple."
The decision was mine. I'm marching. Giving up my age-out year with the Troopers is not and never will be a sacrifice I am willing to make. This is difficult, and it pains me greatly- but I'm making the choice I have to make.  

My heart is breaking. I look at the incredible people around me and consider the amazing experiences I've been able to have this year, and I cannot imagine my life without them. So much of who I am is comprised of who they are and what they have taught me. I've said it before, and will likely say it again: being an RA is not having a job. Being an RA is a lifestyle- and it has, undoubtedly, been one of the most amazing, incredible, profound, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting, life-changing experiences of my life. I would not trade a single moment of this year for anything on the face of this earth.

I'm not sure what I'll do without it next year. I have full faith that things will be how they are supposed to be. I'm a strong believer in the phrase, "It will all work out." This is not by any means a "bad" thing to happen- it is a sad thing, a heartbreaking thing, a tragic thing- but I'm sure it will serve its purpose.

And of course, there is always the possibility that I could return mid-semester. Things happen, RAs may leave for one reason or another, a position may open up. In the coming weeks, I will be working with my supervisors and others within RPS to try and find another job opportunity within the RPS family. Ideally, I would *love* to come back to Read as a desk worker- it would, in a sense, allow me to stay connected to my Read family.

However, if not, then I will find another avenue. Other things will happen, other opportunities. Although this is a very scary concept for me, it does open many other doors and gives me many different options to consider. I could graduate in December. I could study abroad. I could live in an apartment. There are now many new things I will have to consider. I am not prepared to have to consider these things, but such is life. We are thrust into new situations daily, and the only control we have is how we handle them and what we make of them.

It is with red-rimmed eyes and a deep-seated sadness in my heart that I move forward now- but move forward I shall. I am now and will be eternally grateful for the amazing year I have had, and the two and a half more months I will have. I will miss this, and I will miss it terribly...but new things are on the horizon, and I've never been able to pass up adventure.

After all, the title of this blog is "Enjoy the Ride."

And I have, and I will. Oh, I will.