i've always hated "what-if" scenarios because there's never a good way to answer

I love my university, I really do. I love everything about it. I love my classes, I love my majors, I love my friends, I love the Marching Hundred, and I love being an RA. 

More and more, however, I am questioning whether this is where I belong. 

My sleep schedule has been off for at least a month, probably more. I stay awake at night because I can’t sleep, and then I can’t drag myself out of bed during the day. I am suffering what I think might be best described as an existential crisis. 

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I have no idea why I’m doing any of the things I’m doing. I don’t know if I have any sort of future in what I’ve chosen to study at IU; and I can’t help but ask myself why I’m paying a university thousands of dollars per year when there are kids in other countries who can’t even afford a meal. I’m not so sure anymore that college is the place for me. I’m not so sure that society is the place for me. 

Come to think of it, I know society is not the place for me- in the world, not of it. 

So what am I doing? Why am I here and not somewhere like Africa, or Papua New Guinea, or China, or South America, doing something to help? Or why am I here and not somewhere on the road? Why am I here and not in New York? What am I doing? What do I really think I’m doing here? I’m tired, and I’m jaded, and I need something new, something fresh and invigorating, I need to help, I need to do some good in this world. Instead of sitting in class listening to lectures about the greats- Kerouac, Ginsberg, Wilde, Stanislavski- I need to get out there and be great. Instead of thinking about everything I could be, should be doing, I need to get out there and actually do it. 

There’s something else out there, something better, and I need it. I can feel it in the distance like a half-remembered dream fragment, I can sense it in the air just waiting for me to taste it, I can hear it in the mountains like the echo of a thunderclap…but I can’t quite see it and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know, I just don’t know. And I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. At this point, I don’t even know what I want to do. I feel a little like I’ve given up, I feel a lot like I’m in a cage; and I’m screaming and fighting it from the inside out but all my attempts to escape go unnoticed and make no difference. 

I need OUT.

to my girls

To my beautiful residents,

I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to get to know you (all 61 of you!) this semester.

I know the adjustment to college life is difficult; it's been a transition for me as well. When I received the email last April telling me I was hired, I was absolutely terrified- thrilled, yes, but terrified. There are no words to adequately describe what it feels like to know there are 1500 people depending on you- for security, for safety, for comfort. When I moved in for training in early August and began to learn what my job was going to entail, I was entirely unprepared. I am by no stretch of the imagination unqualified- every RA on campus is hand-selected following a rigorous application process- but there's not really any way to be prepared for what this job brings. You learn as you go...and you, my beautiful and incredible residents, have taught me so much. With all that is in me, I love you dearly- every single one of you. Never forget or doubt that, even for a second. You are why I am here, and you are what makes this job worthwhile.

Sometimes, you girls drive me crazy. Sometimes I want to give up and go home. Sometimes I go to the bathroom to take a shower where there are clumps of hair everywhere, and I think to myself, "I should have gotten an apartment this year." Sometimes I'm up until four in the morning going on rounds and handling incidents. Sometimes I am awakened by the unforgiving keening of my telephone in the middle of the night because someone is locked out of the building. Sometimes I go online and I have ten emails about quiet hours violations, and I can't understand why it's still such a problem. Sometimes, I really think I must have lost my mind the day I decided taking this job was a good idea.

However, "sometimes" is not "most of the time." More often than not, I am incredibly grateful for this job and for you ladies. My life is so much better because you are in it. I am so blessed to have been able to watch you grow into independent, beautiful, kind young women. I can only hope you are able to understand how much that means to me. I love seeing you and spending time with you; I love listening to your funny stories, your stresses, your joys, and your sorrows. I love hearing about what's going on in your lives. I hope you can tell that this "job" will never be "just a job" to me. Cue the corniness, but it's really a lifestyle. At the end of the day, even when I'm overwhelmed- those days when I have a seven-page paper to write, two exams the next day, a two-hundred-page book to read, a bulletin board to do, programs to plan, reports to fill out, desk shifts to work, evaluations to write, recommendations to send, and four different meetings all scheduled for the same time- even at the end of all of that, you are why I am here and you make it worth all the time, effort, and stress. I am a much better person for your presence in my life.

I love you so much. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and with all that I have, for giving me an amazing semester. Have a wonderful winter break; I'll miss you and I can't wait to see my lovely Landes 2 ladies again in the new year.

Always,
Elizabeth
 

[please]

I can't do this.


I need help.